What I was writing till now, was more or less common, but what I am going to write since below expresses my personal impressions and aspirations. Therefore now I pass to first-person narration. So, from the very first day of my studying I felt that something or, maybe, everything goes out of the way. Some huge shadow of general delusion hanged over everythig related to understanding of the physical world. I could not catch then what namely this delusion consists in, though signs of its presence were seen almost everywhere. Naturally, this caused permanent anxiety and strong doubts that the way I have selected really leads to the goals I was going to reach.
The delusion could well be unmsked then, but I have done it much later. Though it will be an apparent deviation from the subject, I need to tell about it right now. In fact, this delusion started for me much earlier, when I was studying at the school. Mathematics became uninteresting to me in higher terms. There was already nothing but endless algebra, a collection of series of routine operations in which only number of these operations was growing. When this number exceeded one hundred, I realized that either it is not mathematics or mathematics is not longer interesting to me. Beyond this routine there were only trigonometry and logarithm which immediately become just a new detail of the same. Yes, there also were complex numbers, but all this was interesting only in the very beginning, until these new objects became a part of the general routine.
Those who believied that mathematics is just grammar to complete routine operations, were qualified as the best ones in mathematics. They had no questions. Nor they had any doubts, whether all the rest of mathematics is just growth of the number of similar operations. Unlike others, I was alarmed with all this. At the time, my father subscribed for a jounal entitled "Kvant" for high term schoolchildren interested in all this and I was solving all problems I found there, but this gave no answers to my questions. I looked in scientific books too and found there another mathematics, but I could not get where it comes from. The only person I could turn to, was my mathematics schoolteacher. Her answer was, most propably destined specially to kill any interest in mathematics I had. She said that if I really am interested I have to study combinatorics.
Teachers cannot lie. I heard so. And yet, something was wrong. What I saw in scientific books was not combinatorics. In Kvant, there also was not even the slightest allusion to this kind of mathematics. Nevertheless, I did not think that for some reason, all this was done specially so that schoolchildren like me cannot find it. Rather, I thought that I am not looking in right place. Now, decade later, I know that I did open right books but all of them are written such an disgust way that I would never read them. Moreover, it was impossible to guess that it is just what I was looking for, at least, if to read from the beginning. However, it is pointless to start from the middle, the end or else. But as I have entered the physical faculty another delusion started to reveal.
At the first day of studying in the physical facultee it turned out that to understand lectures in physics I must understand just that mathematics an approach to which I was desperately looking for so long. At the same time, mathematics lectures had nothing to do with it. In physics lectures differentiation and integrations were used while in mathematics ones we were listening only about sequences and subsequences that apparently gives nothing for understanding of physics then or ever. Malignant stare of the mathematical analysis lecturer told me that all this was not by chance, that her course was specially organized such a way that half of students desperately retard at the very beginning that allows her to sort them out from the education process. Immmediately it leaped the eyes that almost all those who knew that mathematics were alumni of one school.
Strange, I thought, the school program was formally same for all schools. Yes, it is same. Schools gave no mathematics indeed. Only private tutors did. But I have dismantled this delusion only few years after starting my study in the universty. Private tutors which fomally perfomed schoolchildren for entrance examination, in fact made them ready to pass the first examination session in which other students are to be sorted out as if they were desperately stupid. It became clear to me that while I was spending my time to completing stupid algebra lessons and was desperately searching for another mathematics, some of my classmates were secretely studying it. Hence, my mathematics schoolteacher which was giving it to some schoolchildren, deluded others trying to kill their interests and aspirations. Hence, in fact some of them had right to get university education, others had not. Hence it was school where all decisions were made about everyone, particularly, whether or not this or another alumni will get higher education in some specialities.
I was one of those who had no this right. My destiny was decided long before I have entered the university. I should be honored to be for few months among those who will be permitted to be scienists. It was done to make me see that understanding science is inaccessible for me, to let me see those whom it is accessible so that I learn as much as possible that I have no brains to understand physical world. But it was absolutely clear to me that it is not so. Unlike me, all that young stars would never guess that school does not give mathematics, they would never ask their teachers, is mathematics really what they give, and would study combinatorics as said if their teachers would say them to. They would never search for something not given to them. Should I believe that they have better abilities than I? Oh not, this is just another delusion. Do I need to explain that aborigens were believed to be unable to understand physical world by definition? Everyone should understand this there. Now I saw how this was implemented. One more delusion is that the most important point for understanding physical world, which is passage from constant values to variables was turned into a secret which nobody among schoolchildren should know and which can only be given by private tutors. And only to those whom they have selected. Somebody else could get this chance if and only if he has discovered differential and integral calculus himself.
I was not sorted out only thanks to an accident which happened to me when playing football. The trauma by itself, did not provide the right to study in the physical facultee but did not also give that mathematical analysis lecturer to dismiss me for having no abilities to understand mathematics, and as a result I learned who plays the role of executioner in the facultee. It was generally known that they are marxism-leninism lecturers who does it. Yes, they do, but they come later and deal with weaker people. Mathematical analysis was applied to much more dangerous ones. It turned out that it is absolutely impossible to pass an examination on mathematical analysis. As she saw that I construct all proofs my own and she cannot object, she simply says "You did not study. Come when you study the material." It was an apparent sabotage. She permitted to go on only to those who have no brains to think and learns everything literally as it is given in books. Well, then all theoretical physicists produced by the facultee are guaranteedly not thinking people and nevertheless they are believed to be smarter than non-physicists. I saw absolutely clearly that possessing intellectual abilities and getting education are mutually exclusive conditions. She gave me the best opportunity to withdraw the trap by confessing that I am too stupid to understand mathematics, but I pfreferred to stay.
The delusion could well be unmsked then, but I have done it much later. Though it will be an apparent deviation from the subject, I need to tell about it right now. In fact, this delusion started for me much earlier, when I was studying at the school. Mathematics became uninteresting to me in higher terms. There was already nothing but endless algebra, a collection of series of routine operations in which only number of these operations was growing. When this number exceeded one hundred, I realized that either it is not mathematics or mathematics is not longer interesting to me. Beyond this routine there were only trigonometry and logarithm which immediately become just a new detail of the same. Yes, there also were complex numbers, but all this was interesting only in the very beginning, until these new objects became a part of the general routine.
Those who believied that mathematics is just grammar to complete routine operations, were qualified as the best ones in mathematics. They had no questions. Nor they had any doubts, whether all the rest of mathematics is just growth of the number of similar operations. Unlike others, I was alarmed with all this. At the time, my father subscribed for a jounal entitled "Kvant" for high term schoolchildren interested in all this and I was solving all problems I found there, but this gave no answers to my questions. I looked in scientific books too and found there another mathematics, but I could not get where it comes from. The only person I could turn to, was my mathematics schoolteacher. Her answer was, most propably destined specially to kill any interest in mathematics I had. She said that if I really am interested I have to study combinatorics.
Teachers cannot lie. I heard so. And yet, something was wrong. What I saw in scientific books was not combinatorics. In Kvant, there also was not even the slightest allusion to this kind of mathematics. Nevertheless, I did not think that for some reason, all this was done specially so that schoolchildren like me cannot find it. Rather, I thought that I am not looking in right place. Now, decade later, I know that I did open right books but all of them are written such an disgust way that I would never read them. Moreover, it was impossible to guess that it is just what I was looking for, at least, if to read from the beginning. However, it is pointless to start from the middle, the end or else. But as I have entered the physical faculty another delusion started to reveal.
At the first day of studying in the physical facultee it turned out that to understand lectures in physics I must understand just that mathematics an approach to which I was desperately looking for so long. At the same time, mathematics lectures had nothing to do with it. In physics lectures differentiation and integrations were used while in mathematics ones we were listening only about sequences and subsequences that apparently gives nothing for understanding of physics then or ever. Malignant stare of the mathematical analysis lecturer told me that all this was not by chance, that her course was specially organized such a way that half of students desperately retard at the very beginning that allows her to sort them out from the education process. Immmediately it leaped the eyes that almost all those who knew that mathematics were alumni of one school.
Strange, I thought, the school program was formally same for all schools. Yes, it is same. Schools gave no mathematics indeed. Only private tutors did. But I have dismantled this delusion only few years after starting my study in the universty. Private tutors which fomally perfomed schoolchildren for entrance examination, in fact made them ready to pass the first examination session in which other students are to be sorted out as if they were desperately stupid. It became clear to me that while I was spending my time to completing stupid algebra lessons and was desperately searching for another mathematics, some of my classmates were secretely studying it. Hence, my mathematics schoolteacher which was giving it to some schoolchildren, deluded others trying to kill their interests and aspirations. Hence, in fact some of them had right to get university education, others had not. Hence it was school where all decisions were made about everyone, particularly, whether or not this or another alumni will get higher education in some specialities.
I was one of those who had no this right. My destiny was decided long before I have entered the university. I should be honored to be for few months among those who will be permitted to be scienists. It was done to make me see that understanding science is inaccessible for me, to let me see those whom it is accessible so that I learn as much as possible that I have no brains to understand physical world. But it was absolutely clear to me that it is not so. Unlike me, all that young stars would never guess that school does not give mathematics, they would never ask their teachers, is mathematics really what they give, and would study combinatorics as said if their teachers would say them to. They would never search for something not given to them. Should I believe that they have better abilities than I? Oh not, this is just another delusion. Do I need to explain that aborigens were believed to be unable to understand physical world by definition? Everyone should understand this there. Now I saw how this was implemented. One more delusion is that the most important point for understanding physical world, which is passage from constant values to variables was turned into a secret which nobody among schoolchildren should know and which can only be given by private tutors. And only to those whom they have selected. Somebody else could get this chance if and only if he has discovered differential and integral calculus himself.
I was not sorted out only thanks to an accident which happened to me when playing football. The trauma by itself, did not provide the right to study in the physical facultee but did not also give that mathematical analysis lecturer to dismiss me for having no abilities to understand mathematics, and as a result I learned who plays the role of executioner in the facultee. It was generally known that they are marxism-leninism lecturers who does it. Yes, they do, but they come later and deal with weaker people. Mathematical analysis was applied to much more dangerous ones. It turned out that it is absolutely impossible to pass an examination on mathematical analysis. As she saw that I construct all proofs my own and she cannot object, she simply says "You did not study. Come when you study the material." It was an apparent sabotage. She permitted to go on only to those who have no brains to think and learns everything literally as it is given in books. Well, then all theoretical physicists produced by the facultee are guaranteedly not thinking people and nevertheless they are believed to be smarter than non-physicists. I saw absolutely clearly that possessing intellectual abilities and getting education are mutually exclusive conditions. She gave me the best opportunity to withdraw the trap by confessing that I am too stupid to understand mathematics, but I pfreferred to stay.
